Thin~Spaces

Desert Experience: Day 3

12 August, 2000 ~ 9:00am
Elevation 7,000ft. / 2,133.6 Meters
Temp: 50 F. / 10 C.

Boy did it get cold last night! There was frost on the ground this morning but i was toasty, warm, and snug in my down mummy bag. i woke at 6:15 AM and it was a very beautiful morning!!! Clear sky-sun rising- clouds ringed by mountain peaks. It looked like the lake of soft cotton gently blowing in the breeze.

i got dressed and decided to go and find a place to watch the sun rise and pray. i found a flat altar like stone resting on a pedestal of granite. When i arrived at the spot i noticed that the rock was split in two. i name that place "Asland Rock." This is a very cool place to pray, marvel at God's creation, and meditate.

The pesky mosquitoes were out in force this morning! i broke my sunglasses while swatting one near my ear. It is off to the "Snowy Lakes" later today. My morning routine has been the same as the yesterday.

5:45 pm. - "Snowy Lakes"
6,900 Feet / 2,103 Meters
Temp: 71 F. / 21 C.

Arrived at 3:20 & began my normal routine of setting up camp. i just replenished my water supply from the lake. While hiking over another pass i decided to quit the hiking thing and just settle in to pray and study. i went from 7,000 ft. (2,133.6 Meters) down to 5,476 ft (1,669 Meters) then back up to 6,900 ft (2,103 Meters) It made for a rough eight kilometers (5 miles). So this is going to be my base camp.

This is a more elaborate camp. i've built a stone circle around my whisper lite stove to block the wind a bit. Tomorrow is the Sabbath so i will rest : pray and read the Bible. i'm soo tore up. The last 500 feet of elevation was nearly straight up a mountain goat trail. It was brutal! With the temperature my 3 quarts (2.8 liters) of water was used up by lunch.

By camping so high up i avoid most of the mosquito's during the day. i prefer the wind over being food for an insect. Time to pray.

8:55 pm. - Temp: 48 F. / 21 C.

When the sun goes down it gets very cold. There is a meteor shower tonight and at this elevation it should be awsome. My alarm watch should go off at 11:30 pm and i'll stick my head out of my tent and enjoy the show. There is a couple up here with their dog. [PN] i miss Cheryl!! The sunset was awesome & my best friend was not here to share it with me. (Sunset 8:15 pm)

Now i remember why i usually spend only 3-4 days in the bush. i get bored. When all your chores are done what do you do? Pray and whittle on my walking stick so the grip is more comfortable. Hiking up a ridge to pray sounded like a cool idea but then i remembered that i'm here to pray more than i am to hike. [SN] going to a high place to worship? Not proper context but still ironic none the less.

[PN] i miss the companionship of my wife. Her voice, laugh, smile, bright eyes; i long for her touch.
~ Moonrise -WOW!!!
~Time to sleep. Tomorrow i'll read my Bible

[PN] = Personal Note
[SN] = Spiritual Note

Desert Experience: Day 2

11 August, 2000_______8:18am
Elevation 5100 ft / 1554.48 Meters

i awoke at 6:15 AM and began my daily routine in the bush for the very first time. i broke camp, had breakfast, drank my coffee, read my Bible, brushed my teeth, and finished packing up my gear. i had wanted to leave by 8:00 AM instead i hit the trail at 8:30 or so. If i skipped my Bible reading this morning i would have been on time.

i plan on putting in a full day's hike and we'll see how far i can get today. i have already seen two sets of hikers pass by my camp around 7:30 AM. (I'll find a tree to water before i go.)

12:01 PM_______ Elevation: 6800ft. / 2072.64 Meters

Lunchtime, have arrived at cutthroat pass. There were no other campsites on the way up. Boy am i glad i settled on what i found. This is been a very grueling hike so far. i had hoped to make the devils backbone on this trip but it is still 25 miles (40 Kilometers) away. i think my agenda needs to give way to to what God has in store for me on this trip.

i'm considering finding a nice spot and just parking it so i can pray instead of hike. After all, i'm on a spiritual quest not just a physical test of myself. i have already learned that i am more ambitious than my physical condition will permit. i need to lose 30lbs. (13.6 Kilos) before i can hike like i used to. For the last mile it went something like this. Hike ten minutes and rest three minutes then hike ten more minutes and rest ~ on and on it went.

My pack weighs almost 70lbs. (32 Kilos) by itself and made for very slow progress on the steep terrain. i'm making coffee with my trioxane fuel bars and canteen stove. i'm now out of water so i need to set up camp and find a stream nearby and so i use my water filter.

3:18 PM

i've set up camp and retrieved the water. i had to backtrack almost a complete mile to a stream i had passed earlier in the day. The stream that flows by my camp was dried up already. The water filter rocks! The stream was a mere trickle yet the filter did the job well.

It's a very clear day and about 72 F (22. C) at the 7,000ft. (2,133.6 Meters) level. The view was so beautiful i decided to set up my camp here. It's a bit windy though but that keeps the mosquitoes away. i put my tent behind a small grove of trees about 50yds. (45.72 Meters) from a snow drift. i've developed a new plan. i'll hike five to seven miles and then set up camp each day. That will leave plenty of time to read, pray, and meditate.

7:36 PM

In prayer this afternoon, i felt inspired to skip my evening meal and eat it as an offering to God on Sunday. i spent a lot of time in prayer. i prayed for my friends and my wife, it was a very enjoyable time. The temperature has dropped to about 47F (8.33 C.) and the wind is blowing a constant 30mph (48kph) - such conditions!

Camping at high altitudes can be quite fun but it does have its own challenges. i just pray that it won't rain as that would make things very miserable. Wow! The sunset is absolutely gorgeous up here. i think that hiking and then praying is a good system.

While praying this afternoon it occurred to me that if i eat my largest meal in the morning, i'd have more energy for the hike. i think i'll turn in at about 8:15 PM and pray until i fall asleep. [PN] i'm amazed at how much i miss Cheryl even though i've only been gone for one day.

[PN] = Personal Note

Desert Experience: Day 1

10 August, 2000 ~ 10:45pm
Elevation: 5100 ft / 1554.48 Meters

i just set up camp and crawled into my tent. Got a late start. I hiked and prayed for 2.5 hours, i'm soo out of shape! Night in the forest is black as pitch by 10pm. At about 9ish i stopped to pray in earnest for a campsite as the terrain is very steep and heavily wooded. i found one about an hour later but it was right next to the trail, [i hate that.]

i was going to pass it up as it did not meet my standards for a good campsite. Then it occurred to me, THIS is what i prayed for. There was an old fire pit there. How strange… i backed off my agenda and pitched camp. i'm doing the Abe Lincoln thing and am writing by Candle Light.

The mosquitoes are ferocious! i'm soo exhausted i could sleep in a rotten log and not care. i'll continue my hike in the morning. i figure i am about half way to cutthroat pass. The trail is very steep and i probably have about 3 miles to go.

-------Authors Note on This Journey Log.--------- Like most journeys we begin with very high hopes and aspirations of what we can attain. Never having experiences a 10 day venture into solitude and silence, my pre-conceptions would dash headlong into what God had in store for me on this trip.

i will be posting each day's log in succession so you can see how my journey into self discovery and the desert places progressed. This log is often times filled with the account of mundane experiences and at times reflects on the truly sublime.

I'm Thinking About a New Look For My Site.

i've been thinking of upgrading my Typepad account so i can have some fun with the site design. I want to change the color scheme and add more graphics. i stayed up way too late making this mockup of a banner. What do you think of my initial idea?

--- Update ---
Blog explosion lets us put up a web banner on their service so i've already found a use for my mockup.

Yeah Baby!

What Muppet Are You?

You are Statler or Waldorf. You have a high opinion of yourself, as do others. But only because you are in the balcony seats. ALSO KNOWN AS: Those two old guys in the box.
SPECIAL TALENTS: Heckling, complaining, being cantankerous QUOTE: "Get off the stage, you bum!" LAST BOOKS READ: "The Art of Insult" and "How To
Insult Art" NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT: Their pacemakers.

What Muppet are you?

At What Cost?

Ok, call me morbid but i found a site that gives coalition (what coalition?) casualty information on the whole Iraq war that the current administration is creating. It gives all kinds of stats, graphs, charts, and causes of death. I find the human cost of this action to be unnecessary and wasteful. If you are a stats hound go here.

Posting via Voice Dictation

This blog entry is done via dictation software. I had to manually format the text for the blog but the text itself came directly from the a book as i spoke it.

Do you know the highest kind of life we can experience? There is no other life in all the world that is as delightful as the life lived in a continual walk with God.  Even as I write such a statement I realize that the only ones who can comprehend it are those who have practiced and experienced that unbroken walk with the Lord.

 

Let me quickly add that I do not advise you to walk this way simply because it is "sweet and delightful!" It is not pleasure which we seek.  Let this exercise be done from one motive alone: because we love him.  We walk with him because it is his desire and his purpose that we walk with him.

Practicing His Presence.  By Brother Lawrence

I Still Want To Die

i've recently begun corresponding with David* who found my web page via a Google search. A few days ago he sent me an interesting reply to a question i had about what to watch out for while cultivating a Christian community that evolves organically.

His response hit very close to home. After much reflection i've come to the conclusion that much of what will hinder the community is my own control issues combined with an irrational fear. While many people may fear failure, i see it as a necessary stepping stone to growth. Failure should not be avoided but learned from as it remains part of the journey. i love biographies of famous people as you hear of their journey through failure. Most of them failed miserably many times before they entered their success. My irrational fear is not of failure but of Success.

Let me give you some back story on this whole thing. Two years ago i hit the wall, had a break down or whatever you call it. i was overworked, stressed out, juggling too many things at once, and in a major depression. i put in 80-90 hour work weeks for over nine months. It got so bad that in the early evenings i'd fold the back seat down in my car so i could put my feet in the trunk and sleep for about an hour and a half. i only slept 4.5 hours a day at this point.

i'd leave home in the morning when my wife was fast asleep and return home to climb in bed several hours after she had gone to sleep. Eventually, we did not know each other anymore. We were both in great pain and only hurting each other by our actions. They cycle seemed to never stop. We never discussed getting a divorce but the option remained just around the corner. i felt trapped, alone, rejected, and desperate for something to prove to me that i was alive at all. While my emotional sickness raged on, i continued to project an image of confidence and ability in my business life.

Then it all came crashing down. i felt such shame as i shirked all responsibilities and imploded emotionally and physically. i spent the next month in bed sleeping 16 hours a day. i died!

Rebirth/recovery exists as a daily process of surrender to the healing of Christ. I was not going to look for a pastorate again, i need to heal and grow. During that time my wife lost her job and continued her own recovery from deep woundedness. We took a year off from work to date, talk and rebuild our relationship with each other and friends that we had let fall away. We entered a year of jubilee and got to know one another again. Our marriage has grown stronger than it has ever been. It's not perfect, we still have a lot to work on but we are united again.

This is where my irrational fear steps in. If i become successful in the future, will that tear us apart? Will i burry myself in my work and start the erosion process all over again? In practical experience this remains an unknown. Rationally i understand that my mental makeup has changed for the better. i project no image, i can say "no", my faith has grown stronger than ever, and i have become a whole person. Cheryl and i remain committed to not letting our relationship slip yet I wrestle with this irrational fear that success will pull me back into my old patterns of work. Hello, my name is Darren and i'm a workaholic.

i've been driven to succeed my whole life. Prior to my crash i lived an ambitions, careless, deceitful, self-willed, narcisistic and insolent life. Yet i have never equated success with money, power or fame. Helping people to achieve their dreams and live better lives defines what i call success. Ironically, i spent time and energy helping others and neglected the very things that kept me healthy. What a wicked self deception i walked through. This may be a common pastoral problem. In writing this post i've come to see that i do not fear success itself but am unsure of how i would handle it. Only time will tell.

You see, i'm a broken person with a daily need of inner healing. Only God can do this. So . . . i'm not "super human" nor do i have it all-together, i am simply a man struggling with his Christian identity and its integration into his being. Holistic personhood is around the corner in Christ but it remains a long battle to win. i must daily walk with Christ and die to myself.

WLYAS!

*= Name Changed